Queen of Ordinary Abandons the Past – April 16, 2014

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I spent about two hours yesterday literally shredding the past.  Some old letters and cards that I had sent to someone in the past came back into my possession.  I have nothing bad to say about this fellow.  He’s still a decent human being, still morally and ethically a good guy.

I was the goofy one.  Rereading the cards I’d sent and the letters I’d written, I was aghast at how I poured my thoughts and my heart out on paper.  Some of these items were almost 30 years old!  Still, they made me feel foolish.  I had just come out of an unexpected and traumatic divorce.  I was so wounded, so confused, and wanted so much to be understood, validated, and loved as a human being.  I needed something from this young man that he couldn’t give me.  No one could except God and me.

I am thankful that he wasn’t a man who saw how damaged I was by the betrayal of a husband I adored and that he didn’t try to take advantage of my vulnerability.  God bless him for that!  My letters were sincere and a pouring out of myself on paper. And always, always included my prayers and concern for him as a human being.   The cards were totally opposite – silly, flirty, goofy stuff that was totally the opposite of what I was trying to work through.

Shredding those things felt pretty good.  THANK GOD I am no longer that wounded little girl pleading for acceptance, healing, and validation from any person.  THANK GOD for unanswered prayers.

In all these years since, I have continued to go back and look at the past, trying to put all the puzzle pieces together and make sense of things that will never make sense.  THANK GOD for a reality check.  The best way to be done with the past is to stop going back and revisiting it!  Forgive it, let it go, shake the dust off and move on.

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